I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
