Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize