is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
