It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
