the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
