Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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