Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
