my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
