i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
