I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
