Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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