If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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