Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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