I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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