If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
