walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
