at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
