I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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