There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
