You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He passed out mid-signature
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
