my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
