My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
