last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
