Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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