I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
3 2 1 whiskey
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
