i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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