you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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