If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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