I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize