It's like God shit irony all over that family
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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