I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
