drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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