I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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