She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
