got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i dont even know how to be here
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
