she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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