I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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