I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
