i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
