Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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