In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
