remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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