Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
