Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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