The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
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