he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
