he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize