My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
