Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
