he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
