but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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