I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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