I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
