sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
