Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
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