My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
