I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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