I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
