i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
