high people should be assigned attendants
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize