I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize