I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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