Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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