you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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