How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
