So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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