I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
