my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
