I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
