Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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