i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
