So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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