Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
